To Annoy a Dark Lord
by candelight
Summary: First Harry Potter fiction! Everyone employs their best efforts to annoy old Voldy. Let’s put them together, shall we? Flames will be ignored.


To annoy a dark lord

First Harry Potter fiction! Everyone employs their best efforts to annoy old Voldy. Let's put them together, shall we? Flames will be ignored.

When Voldy is sleeping, replace velvety slippers with those of bunnies to show his servants before they take them away for ironing.

Slip the shoes on his feet while he's still sleeping, and take pictures.

Post the pictures on the web.

Give phony signed photos of said picture to Death Eaters.

Sign one especially to Harry.

Tell people he's crushing on Hermione.

Or better yet, Ron.

Remind him he's a popular character on "The Potter Puppet Pals."

Give everyone a Puppet Pal Voldemort.

Say his name, over and over again.

Release a CD with people saying his name in no less then forty sick languages.

Remind him that a teenage boy has STILL eluded capture from his forces.

Tell him that in this war, he's done his very best.

And failed miserably.

Tell him the correct lesson for the "lord" would be, "Never Try."

Remind him his name is both pompous AND stupid.

Still be alive after all this.

Say that, even though he is immortal, "Time is a wonderful teacher. Fortunately, it kills all of his pupils."

When he asks you a question, simply say this: "Just remember-there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people."

Undoubtedly, he will voice his opinion on that. Simply say:

"Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid."

Knock over your goblet-and spill grape juice onto his lap. Tell him Wormtail did it.

Have Lucius dance to the "Sugar Plum Fairy Waltz."

Have Death Eaters perform "Swan Lake" in front of him.

Go on a long journey by carriage with him, then wait until you're on a lonely stretch of barren wasteland to tell him you're really hungry.

While you're at it, ask, "Are we there yet?" every five seconds.

Start a contest with Bellatrix to see who can talk in the squeakiest voice.

Tell him Bellatrix pastes pictures of him in her bedroom walls.

Whine.

Start a rousing round of "99 bottles of mead on the wall."

Once you're at your destination, claim you want to go home.

Put you four S's to work: Sobbing, sulking, spitting, and screaming.

Insist you pick up hitchhikers.

Send back your ice water to the kitchens, claiming, "Zis Wai-tar, she is not cold enough, Garcon."

Ask to see the chef.

Order the most expensive and difficult thing to prepare in the kitchens.

Eat only a few bites, then complain of a stomach ache.

Blow bubbles in your milk.

Order dessert.

If he refuses to allow you to order a dessert, throw a tantrum.

Request a booster seat.

Tell him that the tapioca pudding looks like fish eyes.

Tell him the spaghetti looks like bloody worms.

Mention to Greyback that the tuna casserole smells like cat vomit.

Ask Voldy why he had an oversized flea basket as a servant.

Have the pound take Greyback away.

Also tell him, in an undertone, that the soft boiled eggs he eats in the morning are chicken embryos.

Have the dark lord accidentally stand in the cat box.

Tell him "Your road to success is always under construction."

Replace his wand with a pink and yellow pixie stick.

Redecorate his room with pictures of Barbie and Ken-Barbie's face covered with magic markers, Ken's surrounded by little hearts.

If you're really daring, place photos of him over Barbie's face.

Tell servants that he orders for pajamas with little trapdoors on the backs.

Go to the kitchens, and lick every single piece of fruit on the platter before it's served to him.

In the meantime, spit on the custard and tell him it's an exotic new coating.

Send Nagini to Brazil.

But since Brazil never did anything to YOU, simply have the snake converted into a jump rope.

You're sitting down to dinner with him (and everyone else) and demand why, if this castle is so spectacular, there aren't any magical, talking appliances serving them.

Give the troops an order that the Dark Lord wishes them to march into battle with a new song:

"This is the song that never ends….it just goes on and on, my friends…."

Have the servants be singing this as well. For nine hours straight.

Paint horcrux white with red stripes, and give to the servants to be used as a croquet ball.

Tell him his mother is so stupid that she was fired from the M&M factory for throwing out all the pieces that read "W" instead.

Tell him that he is so grotesquely hideous, the reason he was banned from the Sickeningly Ugly convention was because the council of judges didn't wish for any professionals to compete.

Somehow, miraculously, be still alive after all this.

See if he has a bowling ball around somewhere and try to bounce it.

Edit one of his portraits to that of a street Mime's deposition.

Dig up old records from Borgin and Burkes that read, "Employee of the Month."

Tell him when he's extremely crabby one day, "Everyone has photographic memory; some people like you just don't have the film."

Tell him the Muggle studies teacher escaped capture, and is now writing a sequel to her previous article.

Say you're in love with Harry.

Sing Christmas carols outside his bedroom in July.

Tell him Harry left for "the ends of the earth," and isn't coming back any time soon.

Remind him that he was blasted into a shred of an existence by a baby.

Tell him that most of his servants don't even LIKE him.

Post everyone in the Wizarding World on the fact that Harry escaped death via Lord Voldemort

Once…

Twice….

Three times….

Four times….

Five times….

Six Times…

Put in a note on how Harry is alive and well.

Mention Harry has a repaired wand.

Mention Harry knows what Voldy could never guess.

Slip in that, most chances are, he's still the champion of the people.

Mention that he was terrified of a man twice his current age.

For the holidays, give him a sock full of rice, a lucky penny, an empty recyclable bottle, a book of matches, and several Laundry Soap Samples.

Give his men the day off.

Give them a raise.

Ask him how the diet's going.

Comment under your breath, "Probably not too well."

When he commands you to sweep the walks, ask him what you sweep them with.

He'll tell you to use a broom.

Remind him the broom handle's broken.

He'll tell you to fix it. You'll ask what with.

He ill suggest a curtain rod. Tell him it's too long.

He'll tell you to cut it. You'll ask what with.

He'll tell you to try the saw.

Ask where the saw is.

He'll tell you: The garage.

Remind him it's too messy.

He'll tell you to clean it.

Ask him what to clean it with.

He'll tell you to use a broom.

Remind him the broom handle's broken.


End file.
